Monday Madness

Today is going to be crazy.

First, and most importantly, it's my Hubby's birthday. Happy birthday, Honey! I've been informed NOT to make a big deal out of it, but I'm not very good at listening sometimes. ;D

And second, it's the last day I have to improve my logline and the first 250 words before forking over some $ in the hopes that my story will jump to the top of the slush pile and make it to an auction where it will WOW an agent, lead to a signing, and eventually to the publication of my first story. Phew! Say all that in one breath.

I received some very helpful advice from my last posting and made minor adjustments with those suggestions in mind. For the last time before the contest, I'm posting my first 250 words as well as the logline. As always, I would love any feedback you have to give.

So, here you go. Critique away.

LOGLINE:

A fifteen-year-old unknowingly destined to live forever is abducted from her family; to save herself and those she loves, she’ll have to defeat Lucifer's demonic hordes in the coming war for Heaven.


FIRST 250 (253) WORDS:

It was going to be perfect.

I had it all planned out. The food. The entertainment. And most importantly, the guest list. It was going to be the best weekend of my life.

“You’ll ruin everything!” Mom’s voice cried out through the open windows, pulling me from my daydreams of one guest in particular.

I smirked at the mental image of her in there, freaking out over the dust bunny she’d probably just found. She was always toiling away to remove the imaginary layer of dirt she swore coated everything no matter how recently she’d cleaned it. Gripping the front door’s handle, I hesitated going inside and risking her recruiting my help.

“No! I won’t let you! Get out! Get out and leave us alone!”

The door handle ripped out of my hand and I stumbled forward. “Oh!” I exclaimed as strong arms caught me. “I’m so,” I said, looking up at the stranger holding me, “sorry.” The word drifted from my mouth as an overwhelming sense of familiarity washed over me. “Who…? Do I…do I know you?”

A frown creased his brow as he narrowed his eyes. Uneasiness spread through me at his measuring gaze. I tried to pull away from him, but his grip was too strong. “Let me go,” I breathed. He scowled, pulled me closer, and leaned his face into my neck. Like an animal scenting its prey, he inhaled.

“Lilith,” he breathed into my ear.

“Let her go, you, you, you demon!” Mom shrilled, brandishing a wooden spoon.


Thanks again for all your help! I couldn't do this without you!