Monday Madness

Today is going to be crazy.

First, and most importantly, it's my Hubby's birthday. Happy birthday, Honey! I've been informed NOT to make a big deal out of it, but I'm not very good at listening sometimes. ;D

And second, it's the last day I have to improve my logline and the first 250 words before forking over some $ in the hopes that my story will jump to the top of the slush pile and make it to an auction where it will WOW an agent, lead to a signing, and eventually to the publication of my first story. Phew! Say all that in one breath.

I received some very helpful advice from my last posting and made minor adjustments with those suggestions in mind. For the last time before the contest, I'm posting my first 250 words as well as the logline. As always, I would love any feedback you have to give.

So, here you go. Critique away.

LOGLINE:

A fifteen-year-old unknowingly destined to live forever is abducted from her family; to save herself and those she loves, she’ll have to defeat Lucifer's demonic hordes in the coming war for Heaven.


FIRST 250 (253) WORDS:

It was going to be perfect.

I had it all planned out. The food. The entertainment. And most importantly, the guest list. It was going to be the best weekend of my life.

“You’ll ruin everything!” Mom’s voice cried out through the open windows, pulling me from my daydreams of one guest in particular.

I smirked at the mental image of her in there, freaking out over the dust bunny she’d probably just found. She was always toiling away to remove the imaginary layer of dirt she swore coated everything no matter how recently she’d cleaned it. Gripping the front door’s handle, I hesitated going inside and risking her recruiting my help.

“No! I won’t let you! Get out! Get out and leave us alone!”

The door handle ripped out of my hand and I stumbled forward. “Oh!” I exclaimed as strong arms caught me. “I’m so,” I said, looking up at the stranger holding me, “sorry.” The word drifted from my mouth as an overwhelming sense of familiarity washed over me. “Who…? Do I…do I know you?”

A frown creased his brow as he narrowed his eyes. Uneasiness spread through me at his measuring gaze. I tried to pull away from him, but his grip was too strong. “Let me go,” I breathed. He scowled, pulled me closer, and leaned his face into my neck. Like an animal scenting its prey, he inhaled.

“Lilith,” he breathed into my ear.

“Let her go, you, you, you demon!” Mom shrilled, brandishing a wooden spoon.


Thanks again for all your help! I couldn't do this without you!

It's so fluffy!

Hello! Me again. It is now the 3rd day of NaNoWriMo. If I have any hope of completing (winning), I ought to have at least close to 6k words for the new story I'd planned to write.

Word count as of 11-3-2012: 0 Zero, Nada, Zip, Zilch

Why? Why have I not even written a single word of the story I've been cooking up and dreaming of for the past several months?

Because I really want to see Lily's story in print one day!

I don't mean to be a snob, and bravo to all those writers who have self-pubbed and found success, but I really want to be traditionally published. In order for that to happen, for one of the big publishing houses to give me any notice, I need a Literary Agent.

I want a Literary Agent like the little girl in Despicable Me wants the unicorn. And I will do everything I can to get one. See, just like this:

Okay, so maybe I won't go blowing anything up, but I am willing to work my fingertips off and squeeze my brain to find ways to improve the story and pique the interest of my Agent-to-be.

So, I've been too busy to NaNo because, on Tuesday, not only do I plan to exercise my right (and duty) to vote, I am also putting Lily's story out there again for an Agent to read and fall in love with. Or, at least, that's the goal. But the previous intro was lack-luster at best and a scratchy bit of toilet paper at worst.

Here is the newest version. I think it's better. I hope it is anyway. As always, any opinions/suggestions are more than appreciated...even if it's to tell me you wouldn't even wipe your butt with it. Just make sure to tell me why. All your criticism helps to make me a better writer and I am forever grateful to you for taking enough interest in me to do that.

Now, without further ado, the first 250 (247, to be exact) words of The Children of Chaos: TELOS


It was going to be perfect.

I had it all planned out. The food. The entertainment. And most importantly, the guest list. It was going to be the best weekend of my life.

“You’ll ruin everything!” Mom’s panicked voice cried out, pulling me from my daydreams of one guest in particular.

I smirked at the mental image of her freaking out over the dust bunny she’d probably just found. She was always in there, toiling away to remove the imaginary layer of dirt she swore coated everything no matter how recently she’d cleaned it. Gripping the door handle, I hesitated going inside and risking her recruiting my help.

“No! Get out! Get out and leave us alone!”

The handle ripped out of my hand and I fell forward. “Oh!” I exclaimed as strong arms caught me. Intending to apologize for crashing into the person holding me, I looked up at the stranger and gasped. “Who…,” the word whooshed out as a sense of familiarity washed over me. “Do I…do I know you?”

A frown creased his brow as he narrowed his eyes. Uneasiness spread through me at his measuring gaze. I tried to pull away from him, but his grip was too strong. “Let me go,” I breathed. He scowled, pulled me closer, and leaned his face into my neck. Like an animal scenting its prey, he inhaled.

“Lilith,” he breathed into my ear.

“Let her go, you, you, you demon!” Mom shrilled, brandishing a wooden spoon.


So, better? More room for improvement? Any and all suggestions/comments are welcome. And thanks for taking the time to read it...again. :)

You decide: Woohoo or Boohoo

Recently, I've been lurking around on the Miss Snark's First Victim blogsite, trying to improve different aspects of my writing and hoping to score some interest from an agent.

So far,

But I'm not giving up.

This morning, the discovery of my first real rejection by an actual literary agent left me completely crushed. See, I'd entered a Secret Agent contest over at MSFV and posted the first 250 words of my story. Any Joe Schmo could leave comments and the Secret Agent would also. If s/he was interested, s/he would ask for more. Sadly, she did not love it. Or even like it. She said it was the worst possible way to start a story and had absolutely NO interest in reading more.

[insert snot-nosed crying and moaning here]

I was shocked. I really thought I had something...amazing. Not the snoozy bore she said wouldn't even encourage her to turn past page 1 (although others said they would definitely read on). I read all her comments on the other contestants' entries and found only a few harsher comments than what she wrote for me (and I agreed with her on most of those).
So, after my initial pity party and woe-is-me moment, I picked myself up, wiped away the tears and snot, and took another look at page 1. Keeping the suggestions of the other commenters in mind as well, I tried to see the story through fresh eyes. What I found shocked me.

They were right!

The issue most readers were having was something I'd been holding onto as the last reminent of the very first draft of my story (back when I was calling it Lily). I have now (for the bazillionth time) revised the first, oh, 400 words and really like the new version. I don't know if the Agent would feel the same (I doubt it), but hers is only one literary agent's opinion.

What is your opinion? Below is the revised first 250 words. (Okay, it's actually 257 words but I couldn't just leave it in mid-)


Abduction was never supposed to be part of the best weekend of my life – neither was dying – but then things seldom go according to my plans.

The weekend started out decent, at least. I stepped off the bus and out into the promise of freedom Friday afternoons held. I moseyed across the suburban road, happy to be home and even happier that Saturday was finally only one day away.

As I got closer to the front door, my daydream of how different this birthday would be from previous ones was interrupted by Mom’s voice. She was in there, toiling away to remove the imaginary layer of dirt she swore coated everything no matter how recently she’d cleaned it. A smile crept up my lips as I gripped the door handle. It was almost time for my ball and this Cinderella had handed in her broom for the weekend.

“Oh!” I cried as I stumbled forward. Strong arms caught me. Intending to apologize for my uncommon clumsiness, I looked up at the stranger holding me and inhaled sharply. “Do I…know you?”

I narrowed my eyes, trying to place his completely foreign yet uncannily familiar features. Tightening his hold, he glared at me, his brilliant green eyes reflecting the sunlight in an unusual halo around his pupil.

I tried to pull away from his grip, away from him and his measuring gaze. “Let me go,” I breathed. He scowled and pulled me closer. He leaned his face into my neck and, like an animal scenting its prey, he inhaled.


So, what do you think? Woohoo or Boohoo? And, if you care to compare, you can click here to read the other boohooed submitted version. Thanks for any feedback! :)

Book Review: SEND by Patty Blount

Send by Patty Blount
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I am a fan!

When I first heard about this book, I knew I had to read it. I tried to win a copy on several blog sites. Before I knew if I'd win, I begged my library to buy this book. They used to honor my requests right away, but for the past year or so, they've been denying most of them due to budget cuts. I was shocked when, two hours after I sent my request, the librarian in charge of adding new books to the catalog contacted me and said to look for it in mid-September. Well, it didn't come in until the end of September, but they did get it and I was the first to have their copy in my hands.

And I LOVED it!

The very first sentence grabbed me, and I knew I was in for a ride. And what a ride. Dan/Kenny is such a likeable character. You know he's supposed to be the bad guy, he messed up and is messed up after all, but you can't help but empathize with and sympathize for him. The secondary characters are well done, too. The mysteries behind everyone's lies continues until the very end, wrapping you up in their troubles and sorrows.

This story is about actions and consequences, mistakes and forgiveness. It's about bullying. Bullying doesn't have to physically push someone in the ground or take their lunch money or give them swirlies or wedgies. It can be done easily, thoughtlessly, and with just a word or a look. Or the click of a SEND button. In this electronic/digital age, the cyberworld holds whole bunches of new issues and problems for our kids to grow up with and deal with, cyber-bullying being one of the big ones. I'm constantly reminding my kids to 'think before you act' in the attempt to help them figure out their life and how they want to live it. The thing is, how many of you would have ever imagined posting an embarrassing picture on the internet would result in someone's death? That by laughing at someone--and getting others to laugh along with you--you were essentially pulling the trigger or tying the noose or dragging the blade or any other number of things people do to end their pain? Could you live with that guilt?

SEND is an amazing story that takes you on one boy's journey through his search for redemption and forgiveness. It's thought-provoking and masterfully done.

And I still want a copy to call my own. I'm trying to win one of the two copies up for grabs on Goodreads as of the posting of this review. If I don't win, this will be one book I plan to purchase to add to my collection--to reread for myself and to share with my kids as they get a little older.

**This book contains quite a bit of foul language (several f-bombs), mentions drug and alcohol abuse, and has a non-explicit sex scene.**

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Book Review: Hidden (Firelight#3) by Sophie Jordan

Hidden by Sophie Jordan
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Maybe I have a thing against the end of a story...especially trilogies. Quite often, it seems the second book is just filler OR the final book just doesn't hold up to the awesomeness that was book 1 and book 2. Sometimes both. Now, I loved Firelight and Vanish. And I really, really wanted to love Hidden just as much. Unfortunately, I didn't.

One thing going for this book is that it is a quick read. After spending nearly a month trying to finish a 354-page book, I was able to finish this 260-page book in about 5 hours. The major problem was that most of story was spent going back and forth: caught then free, caught then free, caught then free; be with Will, let him go, be with Will, let him go, be with Will, let him go. It became kind of tedious. I wanted Jacinda to hurry up and get back to the Pride, but even then the same things happened. I also felt that there weren't any real twists or surprises to this story. There is one semi-surprise near the end, but it wasn't all that shocking. Several of the characters from book 1 and book 2 make a reappearance in book 3, but their parts are very limited. Also, there was one injury/death at the end of the book which I felt was not clarified (see, I don't even know if the person actually died or not).

All in all, I enjoyed reading this end to the series but it isn't one of my favorites by Sophie Jordan. The story does wrap up most of the issues Jacinda faced and has a mostly happy ending. If you've read and enjoyed the first two books in this series, I would recommend reading this to finish out the series...just don't expect to be blown away with the amazing awesomeness that was Firelight.

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Book Review: The Peculiars by Maureen Doyle McQuerry

The Peculiars by Maureen Doyle McQuerry
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

I was originally intrigued by the idea of an alternate history/steampunk/paranormal/fantasy novel. And the cover looked so interesting. Unfortunately, I found myself not connecting with these characters...not caring about their problems and wishing they would just hurry up and finish. When I finally read the last line, I actually humphed. "That's it?" The ending was lackluster. Really, the whole story was lackluster. It had such a seemingly unique premise and there were certainly aspects of the story which were unique. They just weren't...interesting.

I was really shocked by how long it took me to finish this book. It wasn't even 400 pages long and it took me nearly 3 weeks. And I wasn't reading something else in the meantime. I wasn't even really working on my own novel much. I picked this book up every spare second I had and...it...just...dragged. The dialog often felt like an information dump or just seemed like a forced conversation. There were other information dumps which weren't dialog and those really slowed the pace of the story down, too.

I'm sure some readers out there will find this book to be a fantastic read. I am not one of them. I don't think I'll recommend this book, even as one to borrow from the library (which is where I got my copy). Happy reading!

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Book Review: A Gift for My Sister by Ann Pearlman

A Gift for My Sister by Ann Pearlman
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Before I begin my review, I would like to thank Inga Kupp-Silberg for generously giving me a copy of this book for review and Pavarti Tyler for informing me of the opportunity.

Here is my very abbreviated synopsis of the book. A Gift for My Sister is a story told from the dual perspectives of two sisters about their struggles with love and life. At first, the two are distant, disconnected, and consider each other almost as strangers -- being only half-sisters by birth. After tragedy strikes, a roadtrip begins the journey of self-realization, acceptance, and healing. By the end of the road to recovery, the sisters are best friends.

Now, A Gift for My Sister does not fall into my typical, go-to genre for pleasure reading, so my opinion of the story may skewed by that fact. That said, I did still find it more enjoyable than some of the YA I've read in the past year. The story had some touching moments, especially when the main tragedy struck the family. I found the worries and concerns of the sisters to be feasible and believable, something essential in this kind of story. The thing that kept me reading to the end was to find out Tara's decision and what the fallout of her choice would be.

My biggest issue with this story (grammatical things and typos aside) was the dialog, both external and internal. I had a hard time, like, believing the characters spoke that way and oftentimes had a difficult time following their conversations. Occasionally, the way the two sisters spoke - and even some of the secondary dudes (characters) - ended up sounding alike. Also, there were moments when the prose shifted from the MC narrating the story for me to her talking directly to me (the reader). I found those moments unnecessary and disconcerting, often kicking me out of the story.

A few, other minor issues, included:

-the chapters: I would have had just one chapter 1 and had a sub header for the parts told by Sky and Tara. Sometimes, I would forget who was telling the story or if I'd read the other character's perspective for the same chapter yet. It was a little confusing.
-the flashbacks/back stories: There were several that I felt were not really needed for the plot to progress. They didn't really help deepen the main characters, just gave them more to think about. I will say that most of the flashbacks were done very well, so they flowed with the story and did give some insight for the reader into that character's motivations.
-the in-depth mention of daily activities/food: I almost didn't read past the first few chapters. The information of the little girl's potty training experiences and saving her successes for her daddy to see...a bit too TMI for me. The details of the sisters' everyday, mundane activities was somewhat tiresome, as well. I understood by the end of the book why the food and it's preparation were so detailed, but that information could have been left out and I would still know just as much about the characters.
-the last chapter: If recipes are going to be given, they should be written like you'd find in a recipe book. If you want to add a story/explain the meaning behind each recipe, that’s fine, but do it either before the ingredients list and directions or after. Don't mix it all up together. And I really like measurements with my recipes, too.

And while those things took up a lot of space in this review, they really didn't ruin the story for me. A Gift for My Sister is a story I would recommend to readers who enjoy realistic fiction, chick-lit, family drama, or a character-driven story.


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